This little slice of satire is my response to a concerning trend many of us have observed and experienced. One friend and his wife were cut off by close friends of twenty years for not supporting Trump, only then to be rejected by his brother when he questioned certain narratives on climate change. Our political divisions are destroying relationships between friends and within families. Many of us feel caught in the middle and pressured to choose sides, even though we identify with aspects of both. The fringes get all the attention and energy, pulling us further apart.
Engaging with the other side is both harder and more important than ever.
Flying Purple People Eater
Allow me to make my case that the creature described in Sheb Wooley’s 1958 hit actually exists.
Crucial details of the Purple People Eater’s physiology and psychology can be found in the song’s lyrics. What makes this creature tic? First of all, a clarification: the One-eyed, One-horned Flying Purple People Eater is not a people eater who is purple, but rather an eater of purple people.
“I said, ‘Mr. Purple People Eater, what’s your line?’ / And he said, ‘Eatin’ purple people and it sure is fine.’”
When I discovered this fact, a light went on. I could see that Purple People Eaters are all around me, coming from some of the most surprising places.
I know because I’m a purple person, and several of them have tried to eat me.
Being purple used to be a respectable choice. Not any more. These days purple is met with ever intensifying criticism and resistance. In the world I grew up in, purple is regarded as odd enough to be looked at sideways in the best of circumstances, scorned or bullied in the worst. In the world I now inhabit, purple can get you talked about behind your back or shamed. In both, it can get you cancelled.
To people on the right, purple appears blue. To those on the left, it’s red. The purple shading provokes some to chew you up and spit you out. Or, if you’re not too bitter, just gulp you on down like a raw oyster. The Eaters tolerate no impurity. You must check all the boxes down a demanding list of stances. Just one empty box sounds an alarm. You are suspect. Tainted. Your shade threatens to stain, and that is unacceptable.
Those tasked with separating blues and reds usually hand the megaphone to the Squeaky Wheels, but purples tend to be quiet (for obvious reasons). So the general perception is that we are in the minority.
But are we?
According to the most recent Gallup poll, independents are the largest political group in the U.S. And, since closed primaries pressure people to register with a party, we know that purples exist within the party affiliations.
Why does the Flying Purple People Eater want to eat us? Well, one reason is as plain as the horn on his head. It’s because he has only one eye. Poor thing suffers from a painfully narrow field of vision. He lacks the perspective a second eye would give him. His limited focus deceives his perception and makes us appear menacing.
But the whole reason we are purple is our commitment to seeing through at least two eyes. When two eyes aren’t enough, since we constantly question our own cognitive bias, we seek out the perspectives of blues and reds. The Eater can actually learn from purples how to expand his scope. We can help him see beyond that one eye, beyond his blind spots.
The other reason is that he doesn’t really want to eat us at all. He does it in anxious frustration with the pursuit that brought him to earth in the first place – a career in music.
“But that’s not the reason that I came to land. / I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band.”
My friends and I can relate. Having navigated the rocky path of a performing arts vocation, we feel his pain. A little advice, if I may.
The Purple People Eater needs to get used to rejection. It hurts, but it’s part of the process. Hearing “no” builds character and raises standards. He needs to channel that pain into his music, which – let’s face it – really is a better use of his time and talents than eating people.
A good manager can help. And seeing purples as friends instead of lunch can expand his vision, helping him pick up musical cues.
The resulting tighter ensemble will produce that honest, earthy, fully-fleshed rock and roll sound the world needs to hear.
And, as we all know, the best rock music comes from the most colorful band.
So chew on this gentle reminder from your purple neighbor – while you may enjoy our complex flavors, don’t eat us. Work with us.