PURPLE PEOPLE EATER

This little slice of satire is my response to a concerning trend many of us have observed and experienced. One friend and his wife were cut off by close friends of twenty years for not supporting Trump, only then to be rejected by his brother when he questioned certain narratives on climate change. Our political divisions are destroying relationships between friends and within families. Many of us feel caught in the middle and pressured to choose sides, even though we identify with aspects of both. The fringes get all the attention and energy, pulling us further apart. 

Engaging with the other side is both harder and more important than ever.

Flying Purple People Eater

Allow me to make my case that the creature described in Sheb Wooley’s 1958 hit actually exists.

Crucial details of the Purple People Eater’s physiology and psychology can be found in the song’s lyrics. What makes this creature tic? First of all, a clarification: the One-eyed, One-horned Flying Purple People Eater is not a people eater who is purple, but rather an eater of purple people. 

“I said, ‘Mr. Purple People Eater, what’s your line?’ / And he said, ‘Eatin’ purple people and it sure is fine.’”

When I discovered this fact, a light went on. I could see that Purple People Eaters are all around me, coming from some of the most surprising places.

I know because I’m a purple person, and several of them have tried to eat me. 

Being purple used to be a respectable choice. Not any more. These days purple is met with ever intensifying criticism and resistance. In the world I grew up in, purple is regarded as odd enough to be looked at sideways in the best of circumstances, scorned or bullied in the worst. In the world I now inhabit, purple can get you talked about behind your back or shamed. In both, it can get you cancelled. 

To people on the right, purple appears blue. To those on the left, it’s red. The purple shading provokes some to chew you up and spit you out. Or, if you’re not too bitter, just gulp you on down like a raw oyster. The Eaters tolerate no impurity. You must check all the boxes down a demanding list of stances. Just one empty box sounds an alarm. You are suspect. Tainted. Your shade threatens to stain, and that is unacceptable.

Those tasked with separating blues and reds usually hand the megaphone to the Squeaky Wheels, but purples tend to be quiet (for obvious reasons). So the general perception is that we are in the minority. 

But are we?

According to the most recent Gallup poll, independents are the largest political group in the U.S. And, since closed primaries pressure people to register with a party, we know that purples exist within the party affiliations.

Why does the Flying Purple People Eater want to eat us? Well, one reason is as plain as the horn on his head. It’s because he has only one eye. Poor thing suffers from a painfully narrow field of vision. He lacks the perspective a second eye would give him. His limited focus deceives his perception and makes us appear menacing.

But the whole reason we are purple is our commitment to seeing through at least two eyes. When two eyes aren’t enough, since we constantly question our own cognitive bias, we seek out the perspectives of blues and reds. The Eater can actually learn from purples how to expand his scope. We can help him see beyond that one eye, beyond his blind spots.

The other reason is that he doesn’t really want to eat us at all. He does it in anxious frustration with the pursuit that brought him to earth in the first place – a career in music. 

“But that’s not the reason that I came to land. / I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band.”

My friends and I can relate. Having navigated the rocky path of a performing arts vocation, we feel his pain. A little advice, if I may.

The Purple People Eater needs to get used to rejection. It hurts, but it’s part of the process. Hearing “no” builds character and raises standards. He needs to channel that pain into his music, which – let’s face it – really is a better use of his time and talents than eating people.

A good manager can help. And seeing purples as friends instead of lunch can expand his vision, helping him pick up musical cues.

The resulting tighter ensemble will produce that honest, earthy, fully-fleshed rock and roll sound the world needs to hear.

And, as we all know, the best rock music comes from the most colorful band. 

So chew on this gentle reminder from your purple neighbor – while you may enjoy our complex flavors, don’t eat us. Work with us. 

24 thoughts on “PURPLE PEOPLE EATER”

  3. So….
    I didn’t see this in my feed, and would not have read it except your exhortation intrigued me to go to your profile and see what all the fuss was about. 😉

    I’m very glad I did! I enjoyed reading this quite a bit. As someone who not only likes the color purple, but enjoys not being eaten, I was glad to know that there are others like me out there!

    In all seriousness, this was a fun read, and a thought-provoking start to my day. Thanks for sending me to it this morning!

    1. Sara, I am truly and deeply grateful for your insight as well as your affirmation – thank you! I think that Facebook is removing this from the feed because of the words “questioning the urgency of climate change” written in the intro. As you may know, I am more in the “It’s urgent” camp, but even a reference such as this can affect how they get it out there. I can’t prove this (yet), and not sure I would even blame them, given what they’re up against (though I’d blame them for a ton of other stuff!). Thanks again, Sara, for your support. Means a lot.

  6. Dearest Courtney, your satire is clever and delicious like a fine wine from the best purple grapes. I really enjoy reading anything you post. Keep up the great work. You’re making a positive difference whether you can see it or not.
    Hugs from Seattle,
    Danielle (Karla’s friend)

    1. I remember you very well, Danielle! And funny that just this morning I was thinking it’s time to give Karla a cold call! Your words are incredibly encouraging, and I badly needed to read them. Thank you so much. Hugs in return!!

  7. Love this! I’m a fellow purple person, and you articulated how I often feel better than I ever could. So glad it finally came across my feed! Thank you for writing and sharing!

  10. Hey, Courtenay — Lynn Adams from your Sewanee days! Great post, and great storytelling via the Braver Angels email I got this morning, well done. It’s a challenging and invigorating practice to be purple, and I’m right in there with you! I like it because it makes you think, and then think again, deciding for yourself where you stand on each issue rather than taking a more monolithic position. Which I guess means that we’re all our own shade of purple! Thanks for the tea on the PPE — I always thought he was purple and ate people, I was so blind. Hope you’re doing well! I loved your record of lullabies, btw.

    1. Thank you, Lynn!! It’s so great to hear from you, and I appreciate this more than I can say. TBH, I set out to read the PPE piece before realizing that he ate purple people – I was all set to write it AS IF he did. Imagine my pleasant surprise!! Own your ideas, Baby!! We purples are more needed than ever (a friend on the left just told me that, for what that’s worth).

  11. Finally,… a peaceful moment with a clear head, so that I can enjoy the latest Flush installment!

    The nostalgic blast of the Purple People Eater song was fun. But living with 3 die-hard sports fans, their minds would immediately go to the images of Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshal and the rest of the Minnesota Viking’s defensive team of the 70’s. Perspective is everything!

    But knowing about your passion to mitigate the political and social divisiveness in which our country is mired, YOUR Purple People Eater has its own unique relevance. In this context, your essay is brilliant.

    Being less oblique, however, the victims of your Purple People Eater,…the true “political moderates,” are indeed become a rare breed. With each successive presidential campaign, the candidates seem to be coming from the extremes rather than the middle of the spectrum. The Donald Trumps. The Bernie Sanders. Despite my grave concerns about President Biden’s age (he was not my first choice for the General election), I took solace in the fact that he was more “middle-of-the-road” than some of the other choices. Surely, this will help heal the divide, I rationalized.

    But that is clearly not the case. Opinions and alliances have become too deep-seaded. Compromise is now considered a sign of weakness. Open-mindedness is a lack of conviction. Even “engagement” is considered “traitorous.” Looks at Liz Cheney. Ms. Cheney has a long-established reputation as being one of THE most conservative elected officials in D.C. But, she had the AUDACITY to think beyond the party mantra, and she is now reviled by many as a modern-day Judas.

    Which seems like a good topic with which to slide into my own commentary on our political climate, and what I think is our only hope. We can blame Donald Trump. Or we can blame Hillary Clinton. Or Mitch McConnell. Or even Joe Biden. But, in my humble opinion, there is but a single entity to which to wag our blaming finger. It is…drum-roll… our “2-party system.” As long as we have but 2 choices, there will always be a right verses a wrong, and a winner verses a loser.

    Over 200 years ago, in President George Washington’s farewell address, he expressly warned of the dangers opposing political parties. “Domination of one party over another and coinciding efforts to exact revenge upon their opponents leads to horrible atrocities, and is itself a frightful despotism. This leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism.” In addition, Washington advised American citizens to view themselves as a cohesive unit and avoid political parties altogether.

    But Washington’s advice was ignored, and each and every election since has become a political civil war between combatants from 2 ideological camps.

    So what happens to the person that adheres to a few beliefs of one camp and a few beliefs of the other… your “purples?” As you so vividly describe, they don’t have a camp. They have no place to call political home. They struggle with their choice between two extreme candidates. They become frustrated. They become quiet. They become disenfranchised. They get eaten by the Purple People Eater.

    Although you don’t say it here, the obvious solution exists,…. the suggestion of a “purple uprising!” Rather than getting eaten, the purples (perhaps led by one Courtenay Budd Caramico?!!?) unite and create a third option,…. a third political party,…. a VIABLE third candidate.

    Despite the best intention of the devoted people who seek to establish respectful discourse amongst reds and blues, I honestly feel that the fate of our beloved country does not lie in “finding middle-ground” within a 2-party system. Rather, it’s not until we can abandon political allegiances altogether and support candidates that represent our views within our own matrix of values and priorities.

    I remember one election year when I visited a not-for-profit website which was designed to help me decide which candidate I might be best aligned with. I answered a long series of questions designed to match MY views with the voting history of candidates. Even a rudimentary algorithm can match my answer to “Do you believe the federal government should regulate industry to reduce its carbon emissions to minimize climate change?” to candidates that have indeed voted for laws that regulate industry in such a way. And so on and so on. By the end of questionnaire, I have a list of candidates that support my views. I can then decide which “issues” are most important to me,…and VIOLA!…my choice of the candidate to vote for!

    Compare this methodology to what exists today,… we have one of two parties which dictate to us what our views are to be and what we are to value. If I support tighter gun control, I MUST vote Democratic. If I believe abortion should be illegal, I MUST vote Republican. And what if I want tighter gun control laws but believe abortion should be illegal? Where do I belong? Might there not possibly be a candidate out there that might believe like me? Not within the existing 2-party system there isn’t! And then,… disenfranchisement. And then, the extremest win. The Purple People Eater has successfully gobbled up more “purples.”

    “Courtenay Budd Caramico for President on the Purple ticket!”

    1. Have you looked into Andrew Yang’s Forward Party? I think they are onto something, advocating for open primaries coupled with rank choice voting. No political office for me, but I sure do appreciate your support!

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